Silvia Hinojosa wrote in La Vanguardia "The verbal aggressiveness between the government and the opposition, in the plenary session on Wednesday and in the reconstruction commission on Thursday, dynamited any attempt at serious debate on the main issue on the agenda: Covid-19. Nothing new. The dangers have been warned for a long time. Under the cross of disqualifications and witticisms, the citizen witnesses the undisguised battle for power and control of the narrative before the public opinion. And poll after poll, the level of trust in politicians is at a low ebb."

It takes a lot to generate spaces of trust and so little to destroy them. The disqualifications and witticisms mentioned by Silvia Hinojosa in her article are only expressions of toxic behavior.

John Gottman Ph.D. in psychology and author of 7 golden rules for living as a couple, spent decades studying the factors that lead to success and failure in marriages, although his work was focused on intimate relationships, Fredrikson and other authors demonstrated that the same principles apply to any relationship.

Gottman found that there are four toxic behaviors that are directly responsible for the majority of negativity in relationships. These are so lethal to relationships that they are called "the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse":

• Blame: It was you!
• Defensiveness: It wasn't me, it was you!
• Cynicism: For once you get it right......
• Stonewalling: ........ ( I'm fed up, I'll shut up and go away )

In the work we do with different teams it is very common that they show resistance to change these habits, they are so integrated in us that it is very difficult for us to question them. Blaming the other because I am not able to assume my responsibility or give clear feedback, getting defensive because I think a comment is questioning me or my work. Blaming and defensiveness are perhaps the easiest toxins to identify and understand the impact it has on the relationship. 

Walling off and cynicism are perhaps the most difficult of the 4 toxins to change, the ones that are the hardest to accept as toxic behaviors. Walling oneself off may seem to be an act of defense and also not very aggressive with the other. However, it has a huge impact on relationships. In very low degrees it is simply keeping my point of view to myself in a meeting, in high degrees it is cutting off the relationship, ignoring the other person, making him or her a vacuum.

With cynicism something similar happens. In low degrees it is irony, being associated with humor we are not aware of the impact it has on relationships. The border between play and aggression is very thin, in reality we do not know when we can be touching a delicate fiber of the other. Irony can open a wound, put a finger on a sore spot.  In very high degrees, insult, humiliation.

Toxins have another curious effect, they never ride alone. If I feel insulted, it may be that I act defensively, that I wall myself in, that I answer with a greater insult,.... One toxin calls another toxin, and they increase in level, generate more discomfort, increase tension, deteriorate the relationship, to a point that is unbearable, and then there is a permanent break in trust. In a couple it can lead to divorce or separation. In a team it can lead to power struggles, sectarian behavior in which the most important thing is to prove to the other that we are right and they are wrong.

The good news is that toxins are simply unfortunate, unskillful behaviors and that there are antidotes that dismantle them, whether you are the sender or receiver of the toxin. If I am able to not respond with a toxin to another toxin, if I am able to show myself vulnerable, to give honest feedback, to be compassionate to the other, to set boundaries if necessary... that vicious cycle is broken.  Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)

Self-awareness, authenticity, non-violent communication, vulnerability, centeredness, compassion, ...leadership skills that help us build healthy, authentic and powerful relationships.